Last night, we had our first ever successful fundraiser  for our Miami roller derby team. We made a great amount of money and had random guest star appearance from Dennis Rodman,who came out to sing some Pearl Jam songs. Random but successful night.

While I was there, I couldn't help but feel a bit of jealousy towards the people whose close family and friends were there to support the event. I can't even bring my own mother to any of this because she doesn't support nor understand  anything that I do. Not even my close friends were there. All I got were some excuses that in my eyes, does not justify the fact that they couldn't attend. What would have lighten up the situation would have been, instead of receiving text messages of excuses.. I would have felt better if I have gotten those:

" Hey Moe, I am sorry I wasn't able to make it out, I (insert justified excuse). I know this first fundraiser is important to you and I wish you and the team a successful night. I support you. Let me know if there is anything I am able to do for you and the team."

That kind of text message would have meant a lot more then the shit that I got.But no, I don't have friends like I use too. The only two people that showed up were two people I didn't expect at all to come. My favorite one was a dear girlfriend of mine who made it out for a bit and was able to put in a few bucks for me. Her presence felt like I won a million bucks. Yes, this fucking event meant a lot to me. Like any roller derby team, they put in a lot time & hard work to make this work. I am very proud of each and every one of them.

This rant is now over. I'll get over it. We shall see what lame excuses they will come up next for our first Miami game in May.

I can't help it.

At the risk of probably losing future suitors because this post, I simply cannot help myself.I compare most men that I have an interest in to you, which is not fair to them, absolutely not. I wouldn’t like to be compared with anyone else. But I just can’t help it.

I just wonder if that person will be as funny as you are, wondering if they will kiss me like the way you do.  I wonder if that person will be able to put a smile on my face or make me laugh when I am having my depressed moments, which is an extremely hard thing to do but it’s a special talent that only you have.

I wish you gave me the opportunity to show you how well I can care for you and how well I can love you as a friend, and quite possibly more then just that. You given me reasons to deny my help and I understood because, that’s just your character.I just wanted that chance.I kick myself sometimes because I recall making a statement suggesting something under the lines that I didn’t want to “date you”.  But the moment you reached for my arm so I can stay longer by your side, that day.. I just knew…I knew that I never wanted to leave your side. Regardless of the fact that you are not mine, I still cherish what we have.  Like I said, you are important to me and I don’t ever want to lose you. You have been with me throughout hard moments of my life and only you can understand that.

To answer that question:


Since I would only have 2 days to live, I will eat an amazing breakfast spend the first day outdoors with my close friends. I would go to the beach and build a sandcastle because I always wanted to make one. I would enjoy the shitty Florida weather and enjoy the sun beaming down my “really nice skin” that you claim I have. I would eat all my favorite fruits, (which is just really oranges and grapes) outside and watch the sunset. That same night, I would eat a good Mexican meal, drink lots of beer and enjoy a long night of karaoke. The 2nd night I would spend it with my family, looking back at the days where my health wasn’t an issue, do some family things here and there. I would want my last hours to be spent with you, so I can tell you my adventures and the jokes I attempted to make that were funny to me.  I would want to make pancakes and just hear you talk and make me laugh.  I would rest on your bed and be right next to you, just like that afternoon.. and reflect back to that moment again.. where you had my heart from that just one touch. My last moment of breathe would be like that smith song.. “to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die”.  I can’t help it.. I wish you felt the same way, but it’s okay.


 I can no longer have this switch, it's actually killing me. I thought I could toughen this out but I am not that strong to just ignore it, I thought I was.

- switch off-

Today is not one of my best days. I feel so discouraged and unmotivated with everything.  With roller derby, with this upcoming art show in March.

I wish I had someone who knew me so well that they would call, and say: " hey, how are you feeling today ? do you want to get pancakes and talk about it ? I'll listen"
Because that is all I really want. For someone to just to listen, just to shut the fuck and listen. I don't need advice or input. Just let me vent.

People don't understand, when someone opens up and seeks someone to talk to, it doesn't mean they want advice. They just want someone who listens.

2012

Has started out pretty spiffy. New Goals. No more wasting time.
Right now I am just tired & lazy...
did  I just say not wasting any more time ?